RECREATING IDENTITY IN RETIREMENT

Retirement Transition… the Ups’ and Down’s… A Roadmap to Emotional Happiness

Four years ago I was downsized from a large corporation for whom I had worked three months shy of 39 years.  It was a very stressful job, but I was learning something new every day and had good working relationships with my peers and boss.  I was out of work for fourteen months. During that time, in addition to searching for work, I helped care for my dying mother and worked a few hours a week as a personal assistant for a friend.  Then I took a job in a non-profit part-time for 2-1/2 years.  At the end of 2015, I decided to retire and pursue my own businesses and writing.

I am accustomed to being alone as I have been single for many years and lived by myself much in my adulthood except for the child-rearing years.  Twelve years ago my son moved out on his own so I faced being an empty nester which didn’t affect me too much.   When my grandson was born, his mother moved with him to Arizona so I only see him a few times a year.  However, for over 40 years I had a job to go to during the week where I felt needed. On the weekends I had many things to catch up on, plus I have always kept busy with outside activities and my own hobbies.  Over the past 20 plus years, I also added side businesses to my agenda.   I have never been bored and have plenty to do. Now I have no children who need me regularly, and no job that needs me; it’s a new reality.

So, just recently I began experiencing the new emotion of not feeling needed any more ,or being as useful as I was before.  It took me by surprise!  No one warned me about these feelings, nor did I expect to have them since I still have plenty to keep me busy plus I had a list of things I wanted to do that never got done while working.  Obviously, I spent much of my life in the workplace where I interacted with people all day and provided services for others. Being alone a great deal now and not having anyone who needs me on a daily basis is a new  for me  and many new retirees apparently face those feelings too.   Others who have been laid off or are having trouble finding employment probably face these emotions along with emotions of anger plus monetary fears.

Another reason I didn’t expect to feel this way is because I  have my sporadic self-employment (see my other website pages) and always have lists of activities and things to do.   However, it is not the same as being needed regularly on a daily basis.  Nor do I receive praise or other feedback except for an occasional pat on my own back.  Your mind and body get used to the constant stress of working and commuting which is tiring.  While you are working under pressure, retirement is seen as a panacea!  Just be prepared for a myriad of other emotions when you actually face it.  Also, there may not be as many people around with whom to share your joys and woes, or perhaps a laugh or tear. My cats are great listeners, but they don’t laugh at my dry humor!   And morbidly speaking , I also realized that  I could die at home and would not be missed for many days whereas  if I were working someone would be calling to see why I didn’t show up! I’ve said many times that I need to start a service where you check up on single people daily to make sure they are still kicking. Anyone need that too?

This past week is the first time I identified what I had been feeling and actually mentioned it to a couple of friends.  Until I recognized what I was feeling and owned it, I could not open up to ways to deal with it.  Like an addiction, you have to claim it first.  I can also empathize with others who may have been feeling the same emotion, perhaps even for much of their lives due to circumstances beyond their control like an illness or disability, or something that suddenly happened to them like the loss of a job.  I can now empathize with them more;  true that you have more empathy when you have faced an experience yourself. My mood will likely be temporary, but how do others manage it for more serious issues that go on for years?  Each life change brings a new reality for which you have to adjust and find the strength to move forward, perhaps in a new and better way. Be sure to take time to grieve that loss, as a job and those working relationships are a loss.

So I woke up this morning feeling I needed to explore this in my blog and see what answers come up for me that might also help you.  One way I can feel useful is by blogging and sharing information with the world.  By having this conversation, maybe it will help others through a similar transition or start a discussion since so many Baby Boomers are retiring now and may not have considered this side to retirement.   We spend much more time and discussion in preparing financially for retirement but we never talk about how that will look psychologically and perhaps that should be included in the planning preparation?

Retirement is a time of change and transition and many of us are unprepared for the emotional challenges it brings.  It can be a mix of trepidation and excitement!  What is our new sense of identity?  Who are we now if not our jobs?   Have we established hobbies and friendships that will keep us occupied and give us support?  Will we have enough money to live on?  A Denver Post article just stated that one-third of Americans have zero saved for retirement!  Most have little savings either.  The middle class is being squeezed out. It is hard to save when our budgets take most of our income as it is. Few  companies offer pensions unlike the past; I am one of the lucky last ones to have earned that.

Then, the media shows glamorous photos of retired people traveling, golfing and having a great time. But what if you can’t afford that lifestyle or have no one to do those things with?  What if your body declines and you can’t do the physical activities that you once enjoyed or planned to do when you retired?  Certainly our routines change; sleeping in past 5:30 is definitely a plus in my estimation!   Being practical, I have tried to set somewhat of a new routine for the day but it isn’t fine-tuned yet and is another adjustment.  This new phase can also remind us of our mortality and being closer to the end of our lives. For me it is an impetus to get more accomplished as we don’t know how many days we have left.   Each person handles new found time in a different manner, but perhaps that should be part of retirement planning?  It helps to set daily, monthly and yearly goals. Maintain some of the routine you used to have if it included going to the gym, or library, or even volunteering.

Over my lifetime, I have grown through many transitions from work to relationships as I suspect you have too, if you are over the age of 35.  I even read the book Transitions by Bridges during a big job change in the late 80’s and it is still timely.   Any transition is still a loss and with a grief process.  Allow yourself to have those emotions but don’t dwell on them too long.  Reading books on the subject and talking with other people going through the same transitions can be very helpful.  There are many groups who offer classes and workshops, and some colleges even offer the ability to take classes without credit at no charge.

In my 40’s I began exploring metaphysical teachings and am blessed to have heard so many insightful people and read many helpful books.   I am still learning and growing and taking webinars weekly!  I hope you are too.   Numerology is one of my favorites and it resonates. My ‘maturity number’ is a 9 meaning that after about age 40 my path would be one of compassion and spirituality  and that has proven true!   I think by exploring your spirituality whatever that means to you, can also help you face a transitional period.   Meditation or prayer can connect you to your higher power.  Of course, if you have more serious depression, it helps to contact a professional.  If you feel overwhelmed by grief and sadness it does help to talk it over with someone who can guide you through it. I have done that twice in my life for additional support through difficult phases.

Perhaps we should also adopt a ‘roadmap to emotional health’ creating a new identify from the careers that provided our identity for so many years along with our financial planning map.  I liked some of the tips I found in an article online from Everyday Health where it suggests we create a ‘psychological portfolio’.   Do you want to continue with similar pursuits as before, or make bigger changes?  Consider what your new business card might say now?   Yoga master?  Avid reader?  Master volunteer?   You might even create your own business card to identify the ‘new you’ to the world.  One speaker I heard once even had a calling card for his dog he would hand to admirers on walks….”Sophie, Standard Poodle”.

Another good idea is to take time to visualize and create your own personal mission statement.  It’s never too late to explore your life’s purpose!  What are your goals and aspirations for the future now that you have more time to create them?  Perhaps set some date goals along with that.  For example, if you want to take up golf as a new hobby put down that you will research classes by such a date, and you will check out the equipment and apparel you might need by another date.  Explore golf courses and class options.   Post it on your mirror or desk.  Share it with supportive people in your life. Create affirmation statements around it.  Celebrate your successes as you tackle each goal!

And here are a few other suggestions to follow during this time of transition. One might be the continuation of some of the things you enjoyed before such as an exercise routine or book clubs.  Of course you can explore new options as well since most communities offer many speakers, tours and workshops that you might enjoy.  Remember to be gentle with yourself.   Some days are up and some are down. Perhaps some time of meditation or extra sleep might help. Don’t forget the benefits of some sunshine with a walk outdoors or some garden-tending. Our bodies need exercise and that helps our brains too!  Maintain your friendships for support and gatherings, as well as making new ones too at new activities you might start.   Volunteering your time and talents is a good way to feel needed and to share the wealth of your knowledge with others as well as taking you out of your woe is me thinking.   Retirement communities are growing fast as they offer many options to keep their tenants active. But you don’t have to move to find activities as so many are offered. There are even free days at many public venues. Colorado Free University is offering a class on How to be an Exceptional Elder this month.

Make your retirement a time for self-reinvention and thriving!  View it as a new chapter in your life and make it an exciting, passionate one enjoying the things you love with the people you love! We’re never too old to learn and share with others.   If you have some other ideas or suggestions that have worked for you please put them in the comments.